Ok, straight up, there’s no weird trick. That title was just clickbait. #sorrynotsorry
But, hold on, don’t close the tab just yet. The fact is, at Yates Street Taphouse, where our motto might have been Cogito Ergo Bebire, we want our patrons to drink the craft beer that best fits their personality. So, we recruited top social scientists who just also, would you believe it, happen to be our bartenders, to develop the test below to help you select the perfect beer.
Trust us. You’re going to be amazed. Or amused. Amazingly amused, let’s say. Ready?
Which of the following housepets would you most want to train to bring you a craft beer?
(c) Miniature Kangaroo
True or false? (Circle one)
(c) Neither true nor false.
Complete this sentence: Coffee-flavored beer should only be served…
(a) …in the morning.
(b) …to Kobe beef cattle in need of a pick-me-up.
(c) …ice cold with coconut shavings.
(d) …never. It should be served exactly never.
The keg is kicked! Draw on a bar napkin how we should repurpose it.
The correct proportion of hops to barley in an IPA is…
(a) There’s no barley in a traditional IPA.
(b) Kinda’ 50/50? Yeah, let’s go with that.
(c) 3.14159265 micrograms per millilitre.
(d) What is this IPA you speak of?
When the Bruins beat the Canucks in Game 7, I…
(a) …cried in my Molson.
(b) …couldn’t function for days.
(c) …hired a shaman to put a curse on Patrice Bergeron and it totally worked.
(d) …did not set any cars on fire so forget what you think you saw because it definitely wasn’t me I swear.
Pick only one.
(a) Slap Shot
(b) Mystery, Alaska
(d) Goon: Last of the Enforcers (no, seriously, that actually was a movie)
The difference between Lighthouse Tasman Ale and Driftwood Farmhand Ale is…
(a) …a subtle bouquet of mincemeat and poutine, with a candied apricot finish.
(b) …that a Tasman could take a Farmhand anytime, anyplace.
(c) …you drink one at Dungeons & Dragons meetings and the other at Myst gatherings, obviously.
(d) …a secret known only to the Illuminati.
Which of the following are you most likely to sing in the shower tomorrow morning?
(a) Here’s to good times, tonight is kinda’ special…
(b) I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk five hundred more…
(c) That’s why hands across this country reach for the Blue…
Which of the following is most true (circle at least one):
(a) I love the Yates Street Taphouse.
(b) I love the Yates Street Taphouse.
(c) I love the Yates Street Taphouse.
(d) I love the Yates Street Taphouse.
Ok, Add ‘Em Up!
See? Wasn’t that easy? Now for the fun part. For every answer above, award the following points:
Every (a) = 1 point
Every (b) = 17 or 14 points, your choice
Every (c) = -6 points
Every (d) = ∏ points
Tally up your points and write them down on the bottom left corner of a beer napkin. Then, if you drew anything other than a keg filled with more beer for Question #4, subtract 4 points, because obviously there’s something wrong with you. This will give you your final craft beer personality score. Find the recommended beer pairing for your personality score below.
Your Craft Beer Personality Results
If your craft beer personality score was…
34, 82, or -10, your craft beer personality is Seeker. Try Hoyne Brewing Hoyner Pilsner.
Any irrational number, your craft beer personality is Pierre Trudeau. Try any beer from Okanagan Spring Brewery.
A prime number, your craft beer personality is Ka-Pow!. Try a beer tower filled with Hacker-Pschorr.
Any other number, your craft beer personality is Repeat Customer. Try all of the other delicious craft beers on tap at Yates Street Taphouse. We can’t wait to see you!